


Jon the Exorcist

by seekingtomorrow



Series: A Feast for Bros [3]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Epic Bromance, Exorcisms, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 20:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/727599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seekingtomorrow/pseuds/seekingtomorrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's just like the plot of any classic devil-possessing movie. You have your victim, your religious fanatic, your spunky WonderTwins, and your sketchy exorcist who swears he's licensed. Oh yeah. Except for the fact that nobody's actually possessed.  Set in the "friday night and the lights are low" universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jon the Exorcist

The walls of Jon's room were plastered with photos of him and Ygritte. Some of them depicted the couple doing typical couple things, while others catered to Ygritte's love of nature and hiking in the wilderness.

At Jon's desk sat Theon Greyjoy, searching fruitlessly for a box of tissues while Robb Stark, another one of Jon's brothers, sat next to him on the bed, awkwardly patting his shoulder.

"It's okay Jon. You'll get through this," Robb comforted.

Jon made a non-committal noise, burying his head into pillow even further.

"Tell Jon not to do that," Theon warned. "He'll suffocate."

"Shhuttt uuppp," Jon groaned. "Go away. I want to be alone."

"We can't leave you alone when you're like this," Robb said. "We're your brothers."

"Yeah," chimed in Theon. "We may not always get along, but we got your back."

Robb stared up at Theon admiringly. "That's possibly the nicest thing I've ever heard you say."

"That'll be the only nice thing you hear me say," he retorted.

A sniff caught their attention. Jon was crying again.

"Theon, did you find the tissues?"

"No! How is it that a teenage boy _doesn't_ have a box of tissues lying around in their room? Jon, are you asexual?"

"Theon, we're trying to console his dampened spirit, not hurt him. Ygritte's already hurt him enough."

"I never liked her anyways, that girl. She seemed like such an uppity bitch."

"Although I may have to attend confession for speaking ill of others, I do think she was quite pretentious."

"She was quite pretentious," Theon mocked Robb's voice. "She was a fugging bitch. Every chance she got, she was always talking about how things were done where she was from, and how her customs were so much better than ours. Stupid hippie."

"Ygritte was amazing!" Jon defended angrily, his face streaked with tears. "I'm the one that's stupid."

"Jon, you are…er…" Robb stroked his beardless chin contemplatively. "How do I say this?"

"Aren't we supposed to be comforting him?" Theon pointed out.

Robb looked worried. "I'm not sure how to go about doing this," he admitted.

"Are you kidding me? You're the one who suggested this!"

"I didn't know he would be in such a state," Robb's hand hovered over Jon's slumped shoulders, not sure what to do. "Do you want me to rub your back?" He asked. "Mother used to do that when we were upset."

"Gerroff me!" Jon shrugged off his brother's semi-hug.

"Don't you have some weird Church thing you can take Jon to?" Theon suggested offhandedly. "Maybe he'll find some hot religious girl and get over that hippie chick."

"Your language is atrocious, but that's not entirely a bad idea." Robb agreed.

"Or I could take him to the secret hangout."

"That would not solve anything," scolded Robb.

"What'd you say?" Theon asked Jon. "Want to go to a place where you have to line up and pray for alcohol, or do you want to go to Robb's church?"

"I'll go with—"

"No!" Robb shook his head. "You are not taking him to that place! He needs to go somewhere to receive healing! Let's flip a coin."

"Why don't we let Jon choose?"

"Jon is not in the right state of mind to choose!" Robb shouted. "He's just had his heart stomped on by the woman he loves," he plowed on, ignorant of Jon's brooding. "He is upset and depressed and he needs some time away from that woman in order to move past this tremendously sad event!"

"I think you just made start him crying again."

"Oh dear."

* * *

"How was Mass, dear?" Catelyn asked her two sons as they walked in the door. "Jon, Theon told me that Robb volunteered to take you to one of the sermons. Did you enjoy it?"

Jon, being supported by Robb as his breakup had rendered him temporarily immobile, mumbled a response.

"What was that?" Catelyn asked. "I didn't quite catch that."

"Jon is just in awe of Jesus' glory," Robb confessed. "To be honest, I was like that too at first."

"Well I hope he gets better much quicker than you did," Catelyn said, her smile somewhat strained as she recalled the first time Robb had gone to church.

"I have no doubt that Jon will aspire to join me in the worship of our Lord," Robb said, beaming.

Catelyn's smile began to resemble a painful grimace. "Of course," she agreed through clenched teeth.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I was supposed to be praying ten minutes ago." Shrugging his brother off his shoulder, Robb left Jon on the kitchen floor and ran into his room.

"Robb, watch where you leave your brother!"

* * *

"Boys! It's dinner time!"

Theon grumbled and got out of his bed where he had been enjoying an afternoon nap. Sneaking a glance at the clock, he swore under his breath when he realized he'd slept in by at least an hour.

"Theon! Theon, come down for dinner!"

"Coming!" He yelled back, his voice cracking from lack of use. He looked around his room and paused when his gaze met the empty wall above his desk. He didn't remember putting up five posters of Jesus Christ. He sighed. It was probably a practical joke or something. Maybe it was Jon? Probably Jon. Possibly even Arya. They enjoyed bothering the hell out of everyone and then being so lovable, it was impossible to hate them.

Pulling a shirt he'd stolen from Robb (or was it Jon?) on, Theon sluggishly dragged himself out of his room and down the stairs into the warmly lit kitchen.

"Good morning sleeping beauty," Arya said, a hint of a smirk on her face.

Theon glared in response and picked up his fork.

"Have you noticed anything different about your room?" Jon asked. His face was curiously blank, save for his glittering eyes.

"Uhhh," Theon paused in thought. "Nope."

"Oh," Jon said, disappointed. "I was hoping my addition to your décor was… _heavenly_." He chuckled to himself.

Sansa exchanged glances with Arya who rolled her eyes.

"Don't be so weird," said Sansa.

"Yeah, what she said." Arya agreed.

"Theon, you didn't even help us with dinner," Bran pointed out accusingly. "Even Jon helped."

Theon dropped his fork. "Jon helped?" He said in surprise, motioning toward the figure in black at the end of the table.

"Jon is a fantastic cook," Robb voiced his approval. "It's as if each meal he makes channels the Holy Spirit."

"I'm eating food cooked by a ghost?" Rickon shrieked.

"No Rickon," Robb smiled at his youngest brother. "The Holy Spirit is the flame that burns brightly within each of us. It is like Jesus."

Rickon excitedly picked his utensils up. "So the Holy Spirit is fire?"

"Rickon," Catelyn said warningly. "No fire. Mommy said fire is dangerous. No more fire. And don't encourage him, Robb."

"So the Holy Spirit isn't fire?"

"No fire!"

In the midst of their arguing, Theon had been slowly taking bites of his food. Suddenly, he spat out a mouthful of meatloaf.

"Ewww!" Sansa screeched. "You spat on me!"

"Gross!" Arya scooted away as far as possible. "Ugh, that's disgusting."

"Theon," Ned reached a concerned hand toward him. "Theon, are you alright?"

Theon reached for his glass of water and began chugging. When he'd finished, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Garlic!"

"What about garlic?" Bran asked.

"There's garlic in my meatloaf!"

"There's garlic in everybody's meatloaf," Catelyn informed.

"There are _gigantic chunks_ of garlic in my meatloaf!"

"Mom," Sansa's voice trailed off. "Did you put huge cloves of garlic in the meatloaf? I can't eat too much garlic. It makes my skin smell."

"And I can't stand the taste!" Arya chimed in.

"I put in a little garlic," Catelyn replied. "But I ground all the garlic I put in."

"I apologize." Jon said. "I must have forgotten to crush the garlic in Theon's share."

"But I don't make meatloaf like that."

"I thought Theon liked the taste of garlic," continued Jon in an eerie voice. "So I added extra for a little kick so I suppose you could say the taste was… _hell raising._ " He then burst into maniacal laughter.

Everyone stared at him.

"Ah-hem," Jon cleared his throat. "I'll just excuse myself. I've homework to do."

* * *

In the middle of the night, Theon woke up in a fit of panic. He had had an awful dream where he turned against the Starks and tried to kill sweet Bran and admittedly crazy Rickon. Now he had the weirdest urge to seek out his little foster brothers and hug them and watch Disney movies together or something.

Shivering to himself, he swung his feet off the bed and let them touch the floor. Oddly enough, there was a crunching sensation on the soles of his feet, almost like he was standing on tiny bits of gravel. He looked down.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

Everyone came running to his room at that point.

"What's wrong?" Ned asked.

"Theon, are you alright?" Catelyn's hair was still in curlers.

"What's all the yelling about?" Bran rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"Where's the fire?" Rickon looked way too awake for someone who'd just woken up.

"Why'd you have to wake everybody up?" Sansa groaned.

"If it was a robber, I'll stick him with the pointy end!" Arya had somehow procured a baseball bat. Her parents made a mental note to comb her room for other weapons later.

"Jesus will absolve you of all your fears and let you sleep in peace!" Robb's voice echoed throughout the house…and presumably the neighbourhood.

"There is salt everywhere!" Theon yelled.

"Not everywhere," corrected Bran. "Just in a circle around your bed."

"Is that supposed to make him feel better?" Arya whispered.

"It looks like some sort of ritual," added Sansa. The three kids immediately turned to Robb.

"It wasn't me," he confessed.

"If it wasn't Robb," Ned mused, "then who was it?"

"Can we focus less on who did it and more on why someone decided to sprinkle SALT AROUND MY BED?" Theon yelled, waving his arms around for emphasis. "I'm a little freaked out right now!"

"I heard that you do that to get rid of demons," said Bran.

Theon grabbed him by the shoulders. "Where did you hear that?"

Bran wiggled out of his grip. "I can't remember if it was a book or a tv show."

Robb walked over to Theon's desk. "Why are all my Jesus posters in your room, Theon? I don't remember putting them here."

Theon shrugged. "I have no idea."

"How are we going to clean this up?" Catelyn asked, throwing her hands up. "This is such a mess."

"Well I hope Sansa and Bran are up to the job! I'm going back to bed." Arya briskly backtracked out of the room, baseball bat concealed behind her. "Goodnight everyone!"

"Err…me too!" Ned followed his daughter. "I've got to wake up early for work."

"I have a big test tomorrow," Bran slowly walked away.

"Early morning choir practice!" Sansa practically ran.

"It's way past my bedtime," Rickon yawned.

Catelyn looked at Theon. "The brooms are in the closet downstairs."

"What?" Theon said, flabbergasted. "Nobody's helping me? Guys!"

* * *

"Good morning family!" An overly cheery Jon greeted. "Today is such a fine morning!"

Everyone at the table glared at him with red-rimmed eyes.

"Where were you last night?" Bran accused. "Didn't you hear the yelling?"

Jon froze at the counter where he'd been pouring tea. "Yelling?" He turned around to face Bran, a stiff smile on his face. "Why, I must have slept right through it."

"Theon found a ring of salt around his bed," Sansa added. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

Jon laughed. "Well evil has a _habit_ of taking action in the middle of the night."

Nobody else laughed.

"There's something on your shirt," Arya pointed out. She reached out and flicked white granules off the black cloth.

"Thank you, little lamb."

Arya looked horrified. "And I thought it was bad when Theon kept referring to me as his 'little wolf.'"

"Good morning," a grumpily sleepy Theon walked into the kitchen. His hair stuck up at all angles and he was still in his pajamas.

Jon hissed.

Everyone stared at him.

Theon turned around. "Can I help you?"

Jon backed away from Theon and took a small spray bottle filled with water out of his pocket.

"What's that—hey!"

"Should we stop them?" Sansa asked.

"Don't bother," said Bran, already bored with his older brothers' antics.

* * *

"Come in!" Arya lowered the volume on her speakers.

"Can I talk to you?" Sansa stood in the doorway.

"Yeah, sure."

Sansa sat on the bed, looking prim and proper and completely out of place in Arya's mess of a room. "It's about Jon."

"What about Jon?"

"Haven't you noticed?"

"Noticed what?"

Sansa lowered her voice. "He's been really weird lately."

Arya snorted. "Only lately?"

"Yeah," Sansa nodded, not picking up on Arya's sarcasm. "I mean, the garlic in the meatloaf, the salt in Theon's room—I know he never confessed to doing it, but it must have been him—and the religious puns? He's turning into Robb."

Arya burst out laughing. "No way. No one can be as bad as Robb."

Sansa shook her head. "No, I think Jon has surpassed Robb."

"I'm still not following you."

Sansa motioned for Arya to move closer. She whispered, "I think Jon wants to exorcise Theon."

"How did you even think of that?"

"It was what Bran said that tipped me off."

"Explain," Arya said, turning her speakers off entirely.

"Okay. So in vampire stories, they always say that vampires are weak to garlic. Jon put chunks of garlic in Theon's food. And Bran said that rings are salt are used to ward off demons. Jon put a ring of salt around Theon's bed in a perfect circle. Jon keeps using religious puns. Maybe he's trying to warn us."

Arya considered laughing at her sister, but thought about it. "And the Jesus pictures."

Sansa cocked her head. "Jesus pictures?"

"In Theon's room. He has a bunch of Jesus posters that he doesn't remembering putting up."

"Those probably symbolize the fact that Jesus is watching him or something."

Arya stared at Sansa. "I hope you don't agree with what Jon is doing."

Sansa flushed. "Of course not! I'm just trying to look at this from his point of view."

"You do realize we'll have to stop him, right?"

"How'll we do that?"

Arya thought about it for a moment. "I have no clue."

Sansa slumped. All of a sudden, her eyes lit up. "Robb."

* * *

Theon was enjoying a good night's sleep. His pillow was cool, he was wearing his lucky socks, and the weird dream catcher thing Bran had made for him in the third grade must have been working.

In his closet, Arya and Sansa waited. They had a feeling Jon might try to make another salt ring around Theon's bed and they wanted to catch him in the act.

Sansa clutched her walkie talkie. Earlier, she and Arya had convinced Robb that if they called him via walkie talkie, he would immediately come to Theon's room to witness something "miraculous." Their reasoning made very little sense, but luckily Robb was gullible.

Arya pulled on Sansa's arm and pointed out the slightly opened door. A figure robed in black and carrying a satchel was stealthily making its way toward Theon's bed. Arya motioned toward Sansa's walkie talkie. Sansa hushed her, wanting to see what the figure was going to do.

It knelt at the foot at Theon's bed and opened its bag. Sansa heard the clinking of glass bottles. Slowly, the figure pulled out a bag of salt and began pouring it around Theon's bed. When it was done, it uncorked the glass bottles, letting it drip around the circle. Sansa assumed it was holy water.

Leaning over Theon, the figure took off its hood. Although Sansa knew who it was, she was still surprised to see that Jon was the figure in the black robes.

"Should we call Robb?" Arya whispered.

"No, not yet." Sansa replied. "Jon hasn't done anything yet."

Arya frowned at her, but nodded. They returned to watching Jon. He raised one of the bottles…and emptied its contents over Theon's head.

Theon awoke with a sputter. "Wha—?"

"Foul demon!" Jon spread his arms. "You belong in the depths of Hell! I know not who has summoned thee, but know that I will banish you from this Earth! Theon, if you can still hear me in there, I will exorcise the demon and you can return to your normal self!"

"Arya, no!"

Arya burst out of the closet and launched herself at Jon. Screaming a savage war cry, she barrelled into his stomach, forcing him to the floor. "I've got him, I've got him! Call Robb!"

With shaky fingers, Sansa activated the walkie-talkie.

"Hurry up! I can't hold him down forever!"

"You cretin! You have enslaved my little sisters! I will destroy you!"

"Can someone please tell me what's going on?" Theon said groggily.

"Robb! Robb, come to Theon's room! It's the secret thing we told you about!" Sansa spoke rapidly into the device.

Robb immediately came rushing in.

"That was quick," Sansa murmured under her breath.

"What's happening? Where's that secret thing?" Robb was panting heavily, his eyes wide and excited. Then he saw Theon covered in water, Arya wrestling Jon to the ground, and Sansa looking panicked.

"We can explain," Sansa said.

"It's Jon!" Arya added. "He's gone nuts!"

"Jon is trying to exorcise Theon!" Sansa elaborated. "That's why he put the garlic in Theon's food and poured the salt around his bed."

"And the Jesus pictures!"

"Wait," Theon cut them off. "Jon thought I was possessed? Is that why he dumped water on my head?"

"It was holy water, you cowardly creature of darkness!" Jon said, his yell muffled by the carpet.

"Arya, let him go." Robb picked his sister off the floor. "And you," he said, glaring at Jon. "What's gotten into you?"

Jon stood up, his hair a bird's nest. "It was the Church you took me to. It opened my mind. All of a sudden, I understood why there was so much evil in the world. It is my duty to clean our world."

"Jon." Robb took his brother by the shoulders and shook him. "I'm afraid that you've become _an extremist_."

All of a sudden, it felt like all the air was sucked out of the room.

Jon choked. "You're calling me an extremist?"

Robb nodded solemnly. "I'm sad to say so, but your devotion to Jesus has far outstripped mine and it's becoming dangerous. You should consider taking a break."

"You're calling me an extremist?" Jon repeated, his voice almost a squeak.

Arya and Sansa looked over at each other with expressions of identical shock. Theon was still trying to process why most of his siblings were in his room at 3AM in the morning.

"An extremist?" Jon said again, this time in a whisper.

"I think it's time we all go to bed," Robb said. "Come on everybody."

They left Theon's room, not bothering to clean up the mess Jon had left behind.

"Really you guys? Honestly? You've leaving me to clean up alone, again?"

* * *

"Good morning Jon."

"Hn."

"Have we returned to normal now?"

"I refuse to talk about it."

"I can't believe Robb called you an extremist."

"Shut up Theon."

"I am never going to let you live this down."

"...I hate you."


End file.
